Valentine's Day with a Vengeance: the best gifts for your ex

The week leading up to Valentine’s Day can be stress-filled, as your plan for a meaningful handmade gift is dashed away in a sea of procrastination. You race to Kroger, probably the day before Valentine’s Day, to pick through the discarded and unloved teddy bears and the chocolate-covered cherries no one likes besides your grandmother. However, we must not only celebrate the loves of our lives, but the ones we love to hate: our exes. Acknowledging their unfortunate presence in your life can be hard, but adding some revenge and humor can be the perfect way to commemorate your failed relationship this Valentine’s Day.

Name a cockroach after your ex and watch it die

Nothing says “you disgust me” more than a cockroach. The El Paso Zoo is letting heartbroken humans name a cockroach after their ex and watch it get eaten by a meerkat on Feb. 14 — seems cathartic and barbaric at the same time. You just message the zoo’s Facebook page the name of your ex and wait for the meerkat to do what it was born to do: metaphorically eat away at your regrets.

Send them penises of all shapes and sizes

Imagine opening a package and feeling the giddy, squeamish joy of what awaits inside. Is it candy? Flowers? Nope, just a chocolate phallus, the perfect non-verbal way to say to your ex, “shove it where the sun don’t shine.” You can send a bag of gummy penises, or one organic chocolate penis in three punny flavors. If you think that a penis is too blatant of a message, you can send Apple’s version of a John Thomas: an eggplant. Not only will it confuse the recipient, but you can write whatever message your vengeful heart desires.

The crappier, the better

There are few gifts crappier than a dead fish and wilted flowers. If you want to send something on the tamer side of revenge, wilted flowers, from half a dozen to two dozen, and melted chocolate can be the best solution for your Valentine’s Day vendeta. However, a dead fish might embody your decaying love better. If you really want to create a stink on your ex’s romantic holiday, a smelly surprise of animal poopcould get their blood boiling and their nostrils shriveling.

Glitter bombs for an everlasting mess

Everyone knows that glitter is like herpes: Once you have it, you can never get rid of it. Nothing could be more evil than delivering a messy concoction of glitter to your unsuspecting victim, and having a glitter grenade — not an actual grenade — ruin their space and the remainder of their year. But you know what would be worse than a glitter explosion? A glitter penis or semen explosion, definitely not suitable for the workplace.

Give them nothing, because that’s what they deserve most

There is no better gift than the gift of disappointment. Send your not-so-special someone a box full of shipping peanuts or several boxes layered within each other, and imagine their defeat when they can’t find anything inside. If that isn’t humiliating enough, sending an empty gourmet anus cream box might make that person want to change apartment complexes, maybe towns, if you are lucky.

Pettiness can be the best gift of all, but make sure you use it responsibly, and, of course, with lots of meticulous planning.

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